Beep Beep. Beep Beep. Beep Be… God I love the snooze button. Wait, how many times did I press it? Only twice, right? Crap, what time is it?
8:10 a.m. Waking up on time is never easy, but lately it seems altogether undoable.
Okay: Shower, brush teeth, change, out the door. All in the next twenty minutes… again. I seriously need to stop oversleeping. How is it that I’m still tired. Seriously, even oversleeping isn’t enough. What do you want from me?
The sudden rush while the water changes from hot to cold is incredible. A much needed wake-up call. Morning showers always make things bearable, for a time.
C’mon, c’mon. Lather, rinse… screw repeat. Remember when Mom used to say, “Remember to wash behind your ears and the bottom of your feet.” Always thought that was just a thing on TV but she’d actually say it. Well Mom, I remember what you said, I’m just in kind of a rush and don’t care enough to follow through. Can’t believe the Giants aren’t in the playoffs. Ridiculous. They deserve it for sucking so much. Who blows a huge lead in the 4th Quarter anyway? Eli Manning, that’s who. I should “smack the face off his face.” Haha, I love It’s Always Sunny… quality television. You know what’s not quality?
No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.
Shut up other me, this is my internal monologue.
Really? Internal monologue? So, you’re a Super-Villain now? Why don’t you tell me your master plan while I free myself from this seemingly inescapable trap. Not before ending with a cliffhanger though, and saying “Come back next time folks. Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel.
You know what? I really don’t need commentary on top of the monologue. But thanks for being an asshole.
You got it, Hero. Time’s up anyhow, now get moving.
Shower’s done, onto the brushing of the teeth. Cutting it close, the shower is always a problem. Too. Many. Thoughts.
Does anyone enjoy brushing their teeth? Cause you know, I really enjoy starting my day with a good gagging. Except not. These electric toothbrushes are supposed to be better, but the hell if I know. Gotta shut up and get this done. I’m going to be late again. Okay, cutting corners time, I probably don’t need to brush the back teeth. I mean, who notices that shit? Is a girl's tongue long enough to reach back there? I doubt it.
Who the hell would you be kissing anyway?
That’s not the freaking point.
Sounds like a solid point to address.
The first girl I see. That’s who.
Yeah I’ll bet. Go on, I dare you.
Daring yourself. This has to be madness. Maybe this is how other people get psyched up too. Is that what this is, a pep talk? Does this shit happen to Spider-Man?
You do realize you’re NOT a Super-Hero right?
Obviously. I know that…
Out of the bathroom and time to get changed. 3 minutes left. Not a problem, getting changed is the easy part. It’s a straight shot from the bathroom to the bedroom. As long as she doesn’t…
“Hey honey, did you want some breakfast?”
“No thanks, Mom.” Ugh, is that really the best I can do? I tried feigning sincere tenderness but that last word was dripping with animosity. Well, I know who the Oscar’s not going to… She knows I’m in a rush, why does she feel the need to talk to me anyway? I wonder if she knows I hate her? She has to. I mean, nobody’s that stupid.
“Okay. I noticed you haven’t been eating breakfast lately. Everything okay?”
Try harder this time. “Yeah, everything’s good. Just trying to get into a new routine and haven’t really found the right rhythm yet.” Nicely done. Finish strong, soldier. “I’m kinda in a rush though so I’ll talk to you after school.” Works for me.
“Alright, be careful driving on the roads today. The ice is pretty bad outside.”
“Okay, Mom.” No, Really? I’m fucking well aware the damn roads are bad, I shoveled the damn snow yesterday. Jesus, she just doesn’t shut up. You’d think at least ONE thing she’d have to say would be useful information, but of course not. I can’t wait to be on my own. There’s not a single job she does that couldn’t be replaced by a machine.
Made it to the bedroom, somehow. Of course it wasn’t as easy as it should’ve been. Probably should’ve laid out the clothes last night.
Alright clothes, where do I start? Jeans are a given, but what shirt should I wear? Does it matter? Do girls really care about the shirts guys wear?
One of those days, huh? Let it go, dude, she’s just not that into you.
Why shouldn’t she be? I mean what don’t I have?
Money.
True.
A nice care.
Also a valid point.
You’re no Hugh Jackman.
Fuck you man, nobody’s Hugh Jackman.
Except Hugh Jackman.
Seriously, you‘re such a prick. I get it.
Least you have a wonderful personality.
That and five cents is worth less than a nickel.
How do you figure?
Not now. I’m late… as usual.
Clothes on and ready to roll. Miraculously, it’s only 8:35. Just enough time to get out the door and be relatively on time.
All I need to do is make it out the door and I’m home free. Might actually pull this off you sly bastard.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you to school today?”
Son of a bitch. Seriously, God? You and me, we’re through professionally.
“No Mother. It’s okay.” Where is Dad? He can’t keep her distracted for just a few minutes in the morning?
“Okay but just be extra careful today.”
“I know. I heard you the first time. I’m late so I have to go now. I need to leave.”
Please, let me leave.
“Alright, honey. I’ll see you later. I love you.”
“Yeah. I love you too.”
Ha! Lying to your own Mother. Stay Classy.
Whatever, just get outside and shut the door. The morning is finally over. Tomorrow it will get easier. Just wake up earlier. How hard is that? God, I’m so done with this. Beyond done with this.
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